I always wanted to be a mom. Since I was a child. But when the time actually came to try to get pregnant, my husband and I hesitated. Wait a minute, we asked one another, WHY do we want to be parents? Is it for “good” reasons?
So, even though my biological clock was ticking on loud speakers at 38 years old, we decided to each reflect on the question for a week and report back to one another. It was a fascinating exercise.
Certainly, society expects us to become parents. There’s always one annoying relative at every wedding reception who, over champagne and a piece of monstrously expensive cake, asks, “So, when are you having children?”
So, was that the reason?
There’s a biological pressure, to procreate the species. Even with overpopulation stressing our natural resources and environment. Was that a reason?
Did I want children to “say” I was a mother? To become some image of motherhood or achieve some image of family? Or to do parenthood differently than my parents did? Was it because of personal expectation? Was it for selfish reasons?
After several days of this kind of questioning, turning over the idea of parenthood like a Rubik’s cube, my conclusions were positive. There were two main reasons I wanted to be a mom. One was for me. I wanted to experience parenthood. I wanted that to be a part of my life. It would be a grand new adventure, like a tour of humanity and human development. I knew I would learn OODLES.
The other reason was because I truly wanted to nurture and facilitate a child into an adult, to give my love to another, as best I could.
I was scared shitless, of course. I didn’t want to screw up a kid. I wanted to be a good mom. Though I had babysat a lot of children over the years, I knew nothing about babies. I didn’t know how to swaddle until baby class at Kaiser. But I was confident about one thing: my capacity to love.
My husband’s reasons were similar. So, we had two amazing boys, and I can’t imagine life without them and the experiences we’ve had as a family.
But, parenting is not for everyone. People have to decide for themselves. And when friends over the years have decided not to have offspring, I’ve been in total support of their decision.
Even in the best of parenting situations, there will likely be many moments of anxiety and uncertainty and challenge. We’ve had plenty! With more to come, undoubtedly. And that’s just part of the package.
I’ll share some stories about parenting in future posts, like the time I accidentally gave my son a mullet when I cut his hair.
But for now, I’ll just recommend the exercise we went through for all people considering having a child. (And do it again before having a second. Or third).
I’m convinced that to be a good parent and raise a well-adjusted confident person, it requires awareness, attention, listening, a willingness to learn and grow, and full participation. From the beginning. With the decision to have a child. I like to ponder how society would change if EVERY child in our world received love, care, and emotional support. Because currently, they don’t. And we take what we know, our belief systems—identified or not—into adulthood with us.
As Keanu Reeves says in the movie Parenthood, "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog. You need a license to drive a car. Hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.”
