It’s dark in the house. The rain is a steady patter outside. The cat, restless, has settled on my arms, pestering me to scratch him under the chin. I love the purring and the softness of his company, but not the weight on my typing arms that pulls on my already sore neck and activates the worsening carpal tunnel in my forearm. After nibbling on my knuckles with no results, he relents and settles beside me on the couch.

I’ve got sciatica and can no longer lie in bed. It completely blows. I’ve never had sciatica before or any acute back issues for that matter, and now it’s been nearly three weeks of continual pain that lifts only when I’m walking. Certain stretches alleviate it a bit but not completely.

Actually, when I got up the pain wasn’t as acute as it has been. I tried to stay in bed and sleep but found that I couldn’t loosen up at all, not even with deep breathing and mindful messaging to the different parts of my body to relax. Just relax. Relax, damn it!

The chronic pain makes creative thought harder. It makes doing everything harder, except walking. I’m angry and tired.

A chiropractic adjustment offered some relief this week, along with the hope that, with some stretching and further treatments, it could go away. But it’s still bad at night, my lower back a moaning, needling pain, my right leg a permanent cramp, and my entire body tensed in fight or flight mode.

In the past, I’ve had bouts of sickness and injuries that gave me a window into the experience of people living with chronic pain, a gray fog hovering over life. But this, this IS chronic back pain. And now I realize my empathy only offered me an inkling of understanding. It’s not just a foggy existence. It’s a realm of exasperation and about-to-explode rage. It’s a plague of discomfort. It just completely sucks!

It’s hard to be fully loving of one’s self when you are experiencing chronic pain. I’m so mad at my body. It can bleed into self-loathing without awareness that it’s even happening. All you know is that something’s off. Besides your friggin’ back.

And don’t get me started on the expense of treating it given the state of our medical care these days. Most of what helps sciatica, acupuncture, massage, chiropractic care, are not covered at all by what is already an expensive system. Dude, I love western medicine and what we’ve learned to do: the surgeries, antibiotics, vaccinations. It’s awesome! But you have to pay out-of-pocket for preventative care. And who does that affect most? The poor and working class. Thanks goodness for YouTubers posting stretches and exercises and information about sciatica! And that—at least for now—is still free. (I HEART YouTube!)

And all this helps me put an end to this little pity party. It’s a strain on our budget, but I can pay for the additional care I need. And mid-sentence, I stopped to make an appointment with my physician at Kaiser, the gate keeper to physical therapy, to which I’m going to insist he refers me, if he doesn’t suggest it himself. So maybe I can enjoy sleeping again!

If you are living in chronic pain, whether physical or emotional, man, I am thinking of you! I send love and encouragement. Life can be hard enough without it! I’d like to wave a magic wand to alleviate your pain! But hopefully you’re managing it better than me!