Can I just talk about anger for a minute? Anger as a woman? At least this woman. 

Okay, so here’s the deal. I was brought up in this old-fashioned gender-biased way, taught to be subservient, agreeable, cheerful, a “good girl” above all else. Doesn’t that make you sick? Oh, it sure turns my stomach these days. For years, I wore an uncomfortable smile like a mask. I didn’t know how to say no (I was taught to go along with the program or be disapproved of—which equals not being loved to a child). That got me into a shitload of trouble. Especially with men who I really didn’t want to be with. I saw myself floating with the current down a river, unable to swim into an eddy or change the direction of my life. I had to go where the water took me. 

So, as Italian film director Frederico Fellini once said (in a 1966 Playboy essay—of all the publications!), I had to “uneducate” myself. This process has included well over a decade of therapy. Thank God for therapy! If you haven’t tried it, go out and get yourself a good therapist. By “good,” I mean, someone who challenges you, asks you questions, and someone whom you trust and helps you learn to articulate your “unexamined belief systems.” Most of us have them. You’ll know after a few sessions if the therapist is right for you, at least for the part of the process you’re in. And even those sessions with therapists you’re trying out probably won’t be a waste of time (or money). There will still be some self-examination started. At least, that’s how it was for me. But it’s important to find someone you can do the hard work with. And believe me, if you really want to unravel the onion, stir the muck at the bottom of the pond, fire the committee in your head, make some significant changes in your life, understand yourself better, forgive yourself and let go of shame, it takes WORK. And it’s one thousand percent worth it! The work, the time and the cost. Therapy should just be a part of everyone’s health and wellness program, if you ask me, like getting your teeth cleaned, your annual physical, your mammograms, your prostate checked. For children to older adults.

So, as I like to say, I went through my adolescence with menopause instead of acne, finding my true autonomy at nearly 50 years old. For a while, I was ashamed of this late blooming. But the hell with that! I got there. And I continue grow and learn and challenge the belief system that I developed as a child, the default self-judgments. These days, this involves recognizing the cues and practicing new responses. Synapsis that fire together wire together. I am reprogramming my brain, being an electrician to the complicated neurological system that runs my life. Holy shit! I wish there was a YouTube tutorial for that one!

Anyway, one of the interesting new experiences of late is feeling anger, I mean real, burning, swear-fest, heart-racing ANGER. In the context of my life so far, allowing myself to actually feel pissed off at situations and especially at other people is absolutely novel. Thus, it is powerful stuff right now. Logically, I know what I’m feeling is normal. But for me, not used to really feeling fury, it feels like hot-coal, burning beast, shot of testosterone, devil-flame RAGE. 

I was feeling such an emotion last night, conscious of what might seem contradictory sensations: discomfort, being so unused to my own outrage—who is this woman?!—and damn, this feels good, because it’s real, it’s mine and I’m not squelching it or burying or feeling bad about it. It was awesome. Feelings are never wrong; they’re simply feelings. We’re the ones that put judgments on them. The key, I think, is not acting out on that anger. Just feeling it. And understanding where it’s coming from.

Though I didn’t know exactly how it would work, I knew that the only way to let go of my ire, was to feel it first. To really feel it. 

And then it happened. The anger dissipated.

I saw the person I was angry with today. And I was still angry at him, but not in a raging way. More is a “isn’t this interesting” way. I realized that his actions just revealed something about his character that I didn’t know. He’s a friend and will continue to be. But I won’t let him patronize me again. And I won’t stay angry at him. The worse anger would be towards myself for not taking care of myself, for being untrue. I’m a kind person. Not perfect. Certainly not always graceful. I’m sure I could’ve said more, had a heart-to-heart with him, been more direct. But we were with other people. I suspect the opportunity to have such a conversation will arise again. And I’m still figuring out this anger-stuff.

I’m just glad I can feel and identify my feelings these days so I can be the person I want to be, authentic, instead of the good girl with the constant smile on her face.