BANG

I don’t like that I’m growing accustom to gunshots at night,

Waking from sound sleep to pop pop pop echoing, blunt explosions somewhere in the darkness,

Some in single bursts, one after another, some in rapid succession. 

How far away are they this time? From me and my family? 

I make a guess at the distance, the direction.

I think of my children in their bedrooms, hoping they did not hear, wanting to check on them, even though they are teenagers, young men. I want them safe and free.

I think of war. What it must be like. Bang. Crack. Sharp dark sounds day and night in war-torn cities. In Kabal. In a town in Afghanistan or Syria. To be a parent there. 

Who is firing the shots this time? At whom?

One small piece of metal, smaller than my little finger. Add velocity. Piercing, claiming a life.

The questions, the dark thoughts come now rapid fire.

Is it gang related? Is someone threatened in their home? Is it a robbery turned murder? Domestic violence? Vigilante justice? Will it come here?

So many people have guns now, feel afraid. It’s complicated, the dynamics of our times.

Has a mother just lost her child? 

A spouse lost their love? 

A child lost a father or a mother?

TV violence, crime files.

Scenes flash. 

Sandy Hook. Columbine. A concert in Vegas. Orlando nightclub. Virginia Tech. 

Names. Names—George Floyd. Breonna Taylor. Stephon Clark. Botham Jean.

I think about the district newsletter we received at the beginning of the school year featuring bios of students who had died due to gun violence that summer. Seven of them, black, hispanic, Asian, but mostly black. Teenagers with lives ahead of them. Kids. A future. A family’s hope. Lost. 

As on other nights, it will take a lot to get back to sleep. Sleep feels a luxury. Equated with peace. I pace. Switch on the fan to hum out the night, mask the noise. Deep breaths. Repeat the alphabet backwards again. Shut out the waking nightmares, tragic possibilities. More deep breaths. Try for calm. Play a mindless game on my cellphone. And another. Replay a happy movie scene in my head. A blue sky day. Touch the arm of my love beside me.